It’s good to be 8, but hard to be 28

My nephew is spending the night here for the last time while I’m here. :(  We had a good day though. Went to the bouncy castle place, went shopping for swim trunks, ate McDonalds and he swam in the lake for an hour. And he got to play with our neighbor’s great-grandkids, one of whom is his best friend. It’s good to be 8. Tomorrow we’re having lunch with my mom at her office and then hitting up Costco.

He’s such a good kid. I’m really going to miss him. We talked about me leaving and he’s sad. Says he won’t see me very much. Makes me so sad. I love him so much, but I have to go. I have to focus on my life now but I can’t help but feel guilty. I’m his only aunt and I’m basically helping my parents around the house full-time. I’m going to miss him, my parents and my cat. And throw in a few friends, but that’s about it. I won’t miss the rain, the lack of motivation in this city, or the snobby legal community.

This will always be home but it’s time for me to go make a new home for myself, if that makes sense. I tend to be pessimistic about life changes, and I’m trying really hard not to be. I keep thinking of what I’m leaving behind instead of thinking about what is ahead. And that’s not a good attitude. I know that I’m supposed to leave. I know I’m supposed to be doing this. There is so much potential in MC. New friends, a job (hopefully),  new boys, a new place to live, new experiences, etc, etc. And throw in the beach There’s not much here but the family and a few friends, and resentment at my life not going in the direction I want it to go. And there’s no job here. And there’s a whole world out there that I want to experience. I just don’t want to get to my new apartment and be stuck mentally here. I’ve grown so comfortable here and I’m in a rut. And I know I need to get out, but it also scares me. Argh. I know I’m repeating myself here over and over again.

Off to eat some blue corn tortilla chips and try to think about all the great things in MC.

And did I mention the boy from Vegas has been texting me? In my last text I wrote, “Keep in touch”, and he wrote back, “You know I will ) That’s good right!?

Facts of life

Yesterday was an interesting day. I went to the mall and shopped. I got a very cute outfit for Saturday (let’s just hope he actually calls) and it was just nice leisurely shopping. I also spoke to an old friend who lives in Florida whom I haven’t spoken to in ages. We grew up together, our moms were best friends, etc.  We have a lot of shared memories.  Later, I met two high school friends for dinner. I was a bit wary as one of them can be quite mean when she wants to be. But she is pregnant now, and I think that has simmered her down a tad. It was a good dinner for the most part.

However, there was a common theme running through all of these conversations yesterday. Babies and marriage. My Floridian friend has three kids. When we were younger, we both swore we’d never have kids. She is now the poster child and spokesperson for being pregnant and having babies. She exclaimed how amazing it was, life-changing, etc. And I’m sure it is. But I don’t really have that desire. Anyways, dinner turned to the same topics. My friend B is getting married so we talked about the wedding plans. That part was fun. My pregnant friend T is married already so she had a lot to say on that topic. Then they both began talking about mortgages, food blenders, housewares, etc.  I just felt out of place.  Of course I am interested in what they are saying, but only for so long.  2.5  hours of talk about these topics a lot when you have no idea what a second mortgage is (I now know just in case I decide to buy a house, which is not bloody likely anytime soon) or really care about the Magic Bullet blender. Then the discussion switched to being pregnant and babies. Again, a topic I can discuss for a while without my mind wandering. But after hearing all sorts of weird stories, B’s stories from when her mom was pregnant, and T’s ideas of dressing her baby up because “babies are like dolls”, I was ready to leave.  I could not wait to get home and find out who’d been crowned America’s Next Top Model (Whitney, yay!). I dunno, I just am such a different place in my life that it was just a revelation how far we’ve all come in 10 years. They were polite when I discussed my job hunting woes and Jenner problems, but you could tell they didn’t really care or could relate anymore. That’s part of growing up I guess–you drift away from people who once had almost the same life as you.

And then I had the worst night of sleep in a long time. Bar results are out extremely soon and my mind refuses to rest. It’s great.

Decisions Decisions

So I’ve decided if I don’t pass the bar exam in the Golden State, I’m going to stay here in Rainy state and try to find a job as an attorney. I just don’t have the funds or the energy to take the test again. And I feel like if I don’t pass, it will be a sign that I’m not supposed to move. Which is weird because I was and still feel like I am supposed to move. Of course, I may change my mind once I get my results.  Who knows. All I know is that I can’t go on living like this anymore. I need to start my life again. I need a job. I need to move out. I need new friends. I need money most of all. My life has been in limbo for too long and it’s got to stop. Enough is enough.

Also, I’ve decided I’m not going to call Jenner if he doesn’t call me. He could be shy or nervous or what have you, but I’ve decided I’m not going to “chase” him. I don’t want to be that girl. I’ve done it in the past and it’s not a good feeling nor has it worked out well. If he is truly interested, he will have to make it known. I’m 28 and he’s 33. We’re past the age of games. Even if he’s shy, I don’t care. I know it’s harsh, but I’m not putting myself in the position where I call him and we go out, and I’m still not certain he’s interested. Again, been there, done that, and I don’t want to go back. I’m not getting stuck in that rut again.

Lastly, I’m sleeping in tomorrow. That’s my final decision of that night.

Margaritas and chips

So this is what happens when you don’t drink for months, then bham! Start having margaritas with dinner. You get drunk. Off of 2! Whoa buddy. It’s a bit sad really. I guess it also doesn’t help that I barely ate today in my effort to stop eating constantly. At least I had taco chips and a tostado to eat. Which really didn’t help.

Is it bad that I want to (a) keep drinking…preferably vodka, (b)make out with a cute boy, or (c) just sleep. Too bad I’m at home with the ‘rents and none of the above will happen as it is not even 8pm and no cute boys in sight. That’s it, I’m going out this weekend. I need some innocent flirting and drinks!

No more nice guy (girl)

So I’m a pretty nice person. I am a people pleaser, don’t like to upset people, and usually let things that upset me slide. I avoid confrontation. I don’t really say what I really think and always try to smooth things over.

But that is all stopping.

I’ve been working towards being more assertive and not letting other’s feelings go before mine any longer. Obviously there is a time and place to do that, but in general, enough is enough. I’m not just letting things go anymore and I’m standing up for myself. That includes eliminating the toxic “friends” in my life. I’ve been slowly doing that for awhile now, but it’s more full-fledged now. I’ve eliminated friends on Myspace, Facebook and from my phone. Because once you’re outta my phone, you’re outta my life. I’ve deleted emails, and ignored texts and phone calls. Some may call this harsh, I call it self-preservation. Because I’ve finally realized that its better to have friends of quality rather than friends of quantity. In addition, I’m going to start saying what I really think instead of what is socially correct. After all, I have to live with myself, right?

This was my New Year’s Resolution, and I did implement parts of it, but it’s a little difficult whilst studying for the bar exam. Starting a blog was a great part of this plan, because if I can’t be honest on here and say what I really feel and think, how can I do that in “real life”?

Anyone have any suggestions?

Bored

So another weekend is almost over. And I don’t even have work to look forward to (erhm, dread) because I’m currently unemployed. Blah.

Yesterday we went shopping at Trader Joe’s (lurrrve that place) and out to dinner at Black Bear Diner (yum yum), then watched Dan in Real Life (cute) and Atonement (not as spectacular I was expecting), and also participated in Earth Hour.

Today was church and then a day of laziness. Yawn.

Thank goodness I have plans this week consisting of dinner with friends and a couple of days with my nephew. Oh and searching for jobs.

Party of 1

So I’ve been musing over something lately. Having kids. Now, I’ve never been the super maternal type that couldn’t wait to have kids and was planning for them when I was 18 like some of my friends. But I do like kids. I adore my nephew and loved spending time with the little second cousins in Major City. But that doesn’t mean I want any of my own. The thought of being pregnant repulses me. And the thought of having kids only raises one thought: tired. As in permanent-never time to sleep-no time to shower-no time to think-tired. And that’s been the only thought going through my mind for awhile. If there was a way to rent a kid for a day or even a week and then giving him or her back (sort of like renting an dog or cat) that would be moral and not cause emotional scarring of the child, then I would be all for that. But as of now, having kids is so low on the list of my desires, that having dogs is more appealing.

Now a lot of people feel like this, I know. But the thought that worries me is that I’m Christian. So I believe that one reason for marriage is pro-creation. But the problem is that I want to be married, but I dont’ want to pro-create. I know that there are lots of married couples who don’t have kids and are happy. In fact, my best friend from high school is one example. But she’s a fallen Mormon (her words, not mine), so it’s quite different. I know that I’m not going to go to hell for not having kids, but I can’t shake the feeling that until I decide I want kids, I won’t get married. And as of now, I can’t reconcile myself to want kids just to get married. That would be a terrible injustice to the kids.

Call me crazy, but that’s what’s been going through my head as of late. I should mention that I am not opposed to step-kids or adoption, but definitely am opposed to birthing my own mini-me.

Kill me now

So Tuesday started off with slight sore throat, but I ignored it and went to the gym anyways. And was rewarded by seeing the same hot guy that I saw last week. So hot! However, by the time I got home and my endorphins had died down, my sore throat was back with a vengeance. And it just got worse from there. By Wednesday I wanted to die. It seems the flu shot I got earlier this year failed in its purpose. It’s only purpose! Argh. Oh well, at least my body delayed this horrible illness until after the bar was over.

Now its Friday night and my head is the only part of my body that I wish to cut off. The body aches and nausea are gone, but the never ending stuffy nose and headaches are here to stay. Until at least tomorrow I hope…

I had so much planned for this week too! I was supposed to go shopping, look for jobs, get some *work done (girly stuff) and have my nephew for the night and finally go out with friends and drink some booze! Grrrr! Now I’m going to have cram the first three into 2 days. I also wanted to work out a ton, partly to see my hot boy, and partly to prepare for my trip to Major City next week. Yes, I’m going to Major City for 9 days to visit my cousin and look for jobs. I just hope my head doesn’t blow up on the plane…

Back to blonde

Not much is really going on here. I’m applying to zillions of jobs in Major City and the surrounding area, working out, still sleeping and studying. I have my MPRE test tomorrow. Should be a hoot. 2 hours and 60 questions on ethics. And I have to go get a passport picture to take in along with 2 forms of identification. It’s like the CIA is running this test or something. Although it’s not as bad as the bar exam where I had to be fingerprinted and provide confidential information only I would know. Crazy.

I’m getting my hair highlighted tomorrow. I used to do this all the time and about 3 years ago decided to start dying my hair dark brown. Which I have loved. But now I feel like it’s washing me out and I’m just bored with it. So tomorrow I’m getting my hair highlighted blonde. Should be interesting. I hope it turns out well.

Today at the gym I saw a very hot boy. And then 45 min of cardio later, I saw my ex-boyfriend. Talk about awkward. Haven’t seen him in years…

Wedding blues

So I have a dilemma. A friend of mine, B, asked me a couple of months ago to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She’s not a very good friend. And we haven’t been close friends for a long time. In fact, she just asked me because she doesn’t really have anyone else to ask. So the problem is that the wedding is in October. And by then I’ll be living 2 states away. Also, a really, really good friend of mine, S, is also having her wedding in October, but 3 weeks later. And that is halfway across the country. I’ve been planning on going to her wedding since last summer. And I’m guessing that I really won’t be able to get time off from work or afford to pay for 2 weddings within 3 weeks of each other. But the added problem is that B let me study in her house for the last 3 weeks before the bar exam. So I feel indebted to her I guess. But I’m really thinking that I need to tell her I can’t be in her wedding. But how do you do that without feeling like a total bitch? We were supposed to go look at bridesmaid’s dresses next weekend so if I’m going to pull out, I need to do it like, now. I generally try to be a nice person and I feel like this will make me seem totally horrible. But is it so wrong? We’re not close, I don’t even really like her all that much (for a multitude of other reasons), I can’t afford it, I’ll be living 2 states away, and I’m already committed to another wedding. Argh! Help people!