Trying but kinda failing

November 28, 2009 at 8:14 pm | In Life | Leave a Comment
Tags: , ,

I’m trying to stay positive. Content and happy with my life. Trying to focus on the positives. I’m fighting the pessimistic side of my nature that wants to come out and confirm that my life sucks right now.  It’s an uphill battle.

Some days are better than others. The days where I’m busy, where I’m social, when people actually call me back or answer the phone when I call, when people initiate plans with me, etc. Those days are few and far between.

In one month, I will be 30. What do I have to show for it? I’m still unemployed. Single. Living at home. I know self-pity is terrible. From the devil. Doesn’t do any good. Etc, etc. But it’s easier to say that than to fight it. Especially when people around me are doing so well. Getting engaged, getting married, getting promotions, buying houses, going on vacations, etc. I know that often people aren’t as happy as their Facebook pages or their emails or their conversations would have them appear to be, but sometimes it just seems like I’m the only one who’s drowning. The only sad one.

I know that life in LA wasn’t always good or easy or fun. I know that. I appreciate the time here with my parents. But I don’t know how much longer I can bear it. I really don’t. When does this hard part of my life end? When do I catch a break?

Damn weather isn’t helping either. Nor is the holidays. Nor the sappy, romantic Christmas movies playing at all hours guaranteeing happy endings for all. I am hoping for a miracle. I really am. Because I don’t know what else to do at this point.

Margaritas make me sad

February 7, 2009 at 11:55 pm | In Random | Leave a Comment
Tags:

So today one of my bff’s from law school called me and told me that she had an unexpected layover in LA due to a mechanical error/plane rescheduling situation.  Naturally, we arranged to meet up as that’s so close and she lives in a dark midwest town that is awesome but still dark and midwestern. Anyways, so we met up for dinner and drinks. I picked her, her sister and mom up from their hotel and we drove around for a little tour before stopping for dinner. It was so wonderful seeing her. Even though I haven’t seen her since June, it was like I’d just seen her last week. That’s a trait of a good friend. I miss having her close. I miss having close friends here whom I can just be myself with and have a good time. I miss her.

Sad.

January 4, 2009 at 2:45 pm | In Life | 4 Comments
Tags: ,

I’m sad. I leave tomorrow to go back to LA. I know I said I wouldn’t feel like this but in reality, how could I not? It’s not a matter of missing this city or my friends (who suck by the way) but my family. I spent the day yesterday with my nephew and it was great. We saw “Bedtime Stories” which was actually pretty cute. And then we had lunch and went ice-skating. It was horrible saying goodbye to him. I hate it.

I’ve been sorting stuff out all day and getting my things together to pack. I’m ready in a sense to go back to my own life, my independence and privacy, and friends there. I’ll be glad to get away from the elephant in the room (why are you still single?) though.

But I’m going to miss my parents. Even though they drive me nuts half the time. They’re not in the best health and don’t take care of themselves. I harp on them when I live here and they don’t listen, so it doesn’t make sense to move back just for that reason. But I know they need help with stuff around the house and my brother won’t do it. He lives close but not close enough to stop by everyday. That’s a whole ‘nother story. But anyways, the only thing here is my parents, my cat and my nephew. I mean, it will always be home since I grew up here, but I’m over it. The drivers are horrible, the weather is depressing, the boys are lame, my friends are even lamer (cancelling plans at the last minute when I’ve only seen them once), and there’s no job here. But isn’t life supposed to be full of people whom you love and vice versa? But don’t you also need your own life? So complicated. I don’t know what to do. Period.  I don’t have any money to move back here and I couldn’t at this time of year anyways. But I have no purpose really down there at the moment. I don’t know.

All I know is that I’m sad and keeping the tears at bay. Barely. :(

Snowy Sunday

December 14, 2008 at 12:53 pm | In Life | 1 Comment
Tags: , ,

It snowed almost 4 inches here last night. And it’s currently freezing outside! Only about 25 degrees, super windy and just plain cold.

Not much really has changed. Although I’m doing some contract work for this attorney and had my first court appearance for him on Friday. I was a bit nervous as it was my first time in court in almost a year. It was fairly easy and we were in and out in less than 30 minute. I have a few more to do for him this week and it’s something to look forward to.

I’m going a bit crazy at home. As predicted.  Last night at the grocery store, my mom and I ran into an old family friend. Who told us that she has 3 grandkids. To which my mom responded that she was still waiting for some from me. Gee thanks mom. Make it clear I’m a spinister. She said it with a laugh so I just let it go. If I had mentioned that it was embarrassing and that I was annoyed, she would have gotten mad and there would have been a fight. Add to that the writing on the wall that I’m still single and almost 29! Gasp! Shocking. So yes, I’m considering changing my ticket but probably won’t due to my low bank account balance.

I’m considering deleting friends on facebook. People that I once was friends with in “real life.” But I’m wondering, if I do that, will our “real” friendship be over for good? Not that it isn’t. But I also wonder if I’ll need to be in touch with them at some later date down the road for some purpose. And not only that, I know things will be said about me and I hate that. But why should these people who never stay in touch, have been jerks to me in the past and aren’t in my life now, have access to my life? And why do I worry what people think about me so much?

My birthday is exactly 2 weeks from today. As of now, I have loose plans to go out the night before but nothing to do on the actual day. That’s depressing. Most of my friends will be out of town at the time and Seattle doesn’t offer much to do this time of year, especially on a Sunday. I really don’t want it be a boring day lying around the house (much like today) but I’m a loss as to what to do. Yes, a pity party is in the works.

Hmm, I’m quite tired of these sad posts but until something in my life changes (job, a boy, better friends who are physically present and not 3000 miles away), I fear they’ll continue. Joy.

Sunday night sadness

October 26, 2008 at 9:35 pm | In Life | 2 Comments
Tags:

I’m kinda sad tonight. Not sure if it’s because it’s Sunday night and I always equate that with Monday morning and work or school or whatever awaits. This week it’s volunteering. Or if the sadness is because I finished the Twilight series today. Whenever I read a book that I truly love, I’m always sad to say goodbye to the story and the characters. Dramatic perhaps, but I think any true book lover feels the same. I couldn’t wait to read all four novels and did so fairly quickly. And though I’m quite satisfied with the ending and the stories in themselves, I’m still sad that I won’t see what happens in their future. I guess it was easier to throw myself in the lives of Bella and Edward then focus on my own life and the worries I am facing. Will I find a job? Will I ever meet a nice, normal guy? Will I ever be happy in LA? Should I move home to be closer to my family? These things have been weighing on my mind a lot and I know that’s because I’ve had eons of free time.  So to fill the free time, I read and lost myself in Forks, WA  for a few days. And now that’s over.

Add to that, my mom is coming to visit this week and I’m so excited. But as a pessimist, I’m already thinking ahead to the day when she leaves and how sad I’m going to be. And although I’m headed home next month for Thanksgiving, again, the time I’ll have to leave hangs over me like a death sentence. Terribly dramatic, I know. But with years of experience behind me from college and law school, I know what awaits. You may wonder why I even live here? And even though I am happy here and know this is where I belong for now, the homesickness is making itself at home once again. I know that once I get busier, create deeper friendships and maybe meet a nice man, it will fade. But until then, it’s here and I see no way out.

Pardon me, I’m off to feel sorry for myself. Regular posts will resume shortly.

When do I get my turn?

October 16, 2008 at 8:02 pm | In Life | 1 Comment
Tags: ,

I can’t take this much more. I need a job. Yesterday, tomorrow, today. Whenever. The job I was working for didn’t take out taxes from my first two paychecks but on this last one, they took them out to make up for that. So I got screwed out of almost $800. Which I really, really, really needed. So now I’m broke. Again. Because of their stupidity. I’m just so tired of waiting for my turn. For a job. For my life to get better. I know I mope a lot on here, but I need to vent somewhere. I’m so tired of all my friends and family who just keep saying, you’ll get a job, things will get better, blah, blah, blah. Enough. No one knows that. I don’t know anymore. I’m really tired of this life. Where can I trade it in for a new one?

Continuing the theme…

October 8, 2008 at 7:40 pm | In Life | Leave a Comment
Tags:

So around 4 I went over to the main office (finally left the dungeon where I work alone) to do my time card stuff. My friend told me that she may have be go through all the boxes after I finish the part I’m working on now. Can someone please put a hit on me? I wanted to cry. I cannot do this job for much longer, and if the powers that be think that’s a good idea, then I don’t know what to do. To get an idea of what I’m doing, imagine sifting through 126 boxes, each one packed to the rim with documents dating from the 1970s til 2006. Fun huh? All the germs, dust, etc is making me sick too. I know that I’m whining here, but I’m so ready for a real job. One that has benefits and holidays, and gasp! salary! I just don’t know why my lot in life sucks. I’m the only one of my friends, acquaintances and classmates from law school who is still unemployed. And I’m not stupid. I passed 2 bars the first time. One of those being the hardest in the country. I have experience, had decent grades and was involved more than most people I know. Ugh. I’m soooooo frustrated.

And I hate being single.

Thanks for reading. :(

Cat

July 20, 2008 at 10:47 pm | In Random | 2 Comments
Tags:

I miss my cat :(    I miss my parents and some friends, but really miss my cat. It sucks.

Here’s a picture of her. She’s so cute.

Last night

July 9, 2008 at 8:12 pm | In Life | 3 Comments
Tags: , ,

Well, its my last night here in Rainy City. My car is locked and loaded and ready to go. I’m just sad. The tears have started and it sucks. I spoke to my future temporary roommate (she’s only there for a month) and it just became real. I’m really going to be living there. No more living at home. No more being annoyed with my parents simply because I live with them. No more cat. I’m really going to miss her. She’s been such a companion these last 2 years. We’ve had her for 15 years, but our other cat was my cat (he died 3 years ago), so she played second fiddle. She’s so loyal and sweet and I know she’s upset and doesn’t understand why I’m leaving her.

I have to leave tomorrow, say goodbye to everyone, then drive down to my brother’s house and say goodbye to my nephew and sister in law. Great. The tears will be flowing for a long time I fear. Ugh.

I may not be online for a couple days (hopefully our hotel has wireless tomorrow night), so hold down the fort dudes.

Also, does anyone know why whenever I hit “enter” on my keyboard, it automatically does a doublespace? Irritating…

T-minus 2 days

July 8, 2008 at 7:50 pm | In Life | 3 Comments
Tags: , ,

Well, my car is loaded and there’s only a few things to throw in. I sent 4 big boxes today and have one more to send tomorrow. I like packing because everything ends up clean. And organized. I’m not looking forward to unpacking and putting things in their new place though. I’m a compulsive un-packer so I’ll be itching to do that as soon as I arrive in Major City.

I’m starting to get sad. I feel like a bad child for leaving my parents. I know my brother lives here and that helps, but I just feel bad. I know I can’t live at home forever nor do I want to. Its a good thing that I’ll only be a 2 hour flight away I suppose. At least I’m not moving to Australia or even Texas, ya know? But that’s not helping the tightness in my stomach and the sudden urge to cry :(

And I am still thinking about my friend S. I spoke to my two college friends today who know him and they both said just to let things play out. Which I had planned on doing. We’ll see.

Off to watch “Love in the time of Cholera”

Next Page »

Blog at WordPress.com. | Theme: Pool by Borja Fernandez.
Entries and comments feeds.