The word of the week is decision. I need to make some major decisions in my life. Basically, do I stay here and find a brainless job or do I move home and find a brainless job? I’m applying to legal jobs in both cities and if I get one in either, that will be the deciding factor. There are too many pros and cons of staying or leaving to go into and of course, money is the major pro and con for both. It’s a very frustrating period for me. I’m getting advice for everyone and their brother and it’s just overwhelming. The state of the economy has not changed to me. Now everyone knows what I’ve been dealing with for the last year and a half. Argh.

My good friend E gave me some good advice yesterday. Advice that I know but was good to hear again. That I need to make a date for a decision and stick by that date. And stick by the decision I make. But that it doesn’t have to be permanent. See, I have this thing that any decision I make is permanent. And I need to realize that even if I end up moving home, that I can always move back here.

But I really don’t want to move home. The only thing there is my family and a few friends. I have more friends here. But at least if I move home, I don’t have to pay rent, utilities, etc. But I do have to live with my parents. But if I stay here, I just get further and further in debt to my parents. I HATE that I’m dependent on them. Not only because I’m 28 and an attorney, but because they don’t really have the extra funds to be providing for me. I hate being a burden. I’ve always resented my brother for being one (in a sense) but now I am in that position and I abhor it. Truly.

I am just so confused. Even as I write this there are thoughts pouring out of my head and I can’t even keep my paragraphs topically related. But I am not as depressed as I was last week. I am still sad, but the promise of going home in 2 weeks has helped. But I know that I’ll be sad after Christmas is over and I’m back here until I can afford a weekend trip home.

I just feel like if I move home, I’ve failed. Even though the rest of the world may not think so, I do. Which is really hard to live with. I just don’t understand why my life has taken this course. I took a step of faith and it hasn’t resulted in anything. Yet. I just hope that it does at some point. Because I really can’t live like this much longer. 29 is creeping up on me and I want more for my life than to work at the mall (apologies to those who do work at the mall).

Don’t even get me started on the sad reality that is my love life. Or the lack of. Ugh.

So that is my rant for this Sunday. Make a decision and stick to it. Easier said than done.